I HAVE TO ADMIT...

November 3, 2017

7:34am

It has been over a year now and I still am not done with this one battle I did not choose to take but the universe wanted me to. I am so tired of repressing all the feelings of pain, suffering, and anger. I feel like I have exhausted all the energy I have, to show people that I am finally okay, that I finally moved on hundred percent. Care to ask me why? Well, simply because people nowadays easily judge you so you have to keep up with them and prove them how strong you are.

“Strong”.

I guess I am wrong. It’s not mentally healthy to hide your true feelings. It’s not helping if you won’t admit that you are weak, that you still feel hurt, or that you are still affected even by the littlest thing that involves the other party. Man, it’s hard. It’s harder than I thought. For over a year, I always tell my friends how it doesn’t affect me anymore. Solely, because of my pride. I was the one who was left behind that made it hard for me to lose my pride anymore. People should see me strong. People should know that I’m handling it with maturity. People should see that I am happy.

Today marks the day that I will let my guards down.

It just came to a point that I drained all that’s left in me. I feel like I have been competing with everyone else. It came to a point that I no longer understand why I have to pretend that it’s nothing. I really don’t understand why admitting that you are weak or that you still are not over them is a sign of weakness. A friend reminded me that we have our own pace and that I should not pressure myself to catch up with the other party. Sobrang hirap. To neglect all the tweets that I see when my PLM classmates “ship” the two of them. Tangina para akong nilalamon ng lupa. I told myself that I should not be selfish and that I should not make a big deal out of it because if they wanna be happy then okay, so be it. It’s just that I hope that I could get a little respect from other people that I am still going through my pace and I can’t do anything but to feel the process. That’s good if you are finally okay and happy. I want to be happy for you.

I’ve been in the dark for the longest time because I thought I can go through the tunnel by suppressing all the feelings I’ve been holding. I don’t care if people think that I’m putting up with the drama. It's just so damn hard to pretend that nothing - not even the single tiniest thing - affects me anymore. But of course, I can't do anything about it but to still wonder through the pace. Well, I wrote this randomly because I knew in my head that this wouldn't be over if I still pretend. I believe that if someone wants to be happy, they should not hold unto hopes, and have the power in the art of letting go. I believe that in order to be there, one should also have the courage to take their time and just enjoy the process although most of the people see only the calmness within you while you are trying to conquer a vast storm on the other part of yourself. We go through different paces, and sometimes, delays happen when we stumble and forget to remind ourselves that although how long the process takes, we are still going through it - that it would not take forever to be in it. Sometimes we get knocked down but we always learn how to stand up in the end. It's a process. A process that should not be rushed. A process that only a number of people chose to endure. Today, I stand firm and tell myself that it is okay not to be in the place where I wanted to be right now. It's true that everything takes time and to stop adding salt to the wound, sometimes we have to mute other people and distance ourselves from all the unfortunate events that might hurt us. There is a time for every thing. But for now, it's time for me to just get through this pace and be finally free from whatever's holding me back.