After over a year, what now?

It took me a huge amount of courage to finally step out of my cave and face how I have been doing after fighting against an avalanche of emotions since last year. It was never easy to actually repress all the feelings when in fact I have been too hard on myself for not acknowledging what I have been going through. I decided to build gigantic walls around me to avoid being hurt again for the nth time.

2016 is/was/will always be my rollercoaster year. It was the extremes that mold me and made me the way I am today. I graduated from college, then I was depressed of not being able to be admitted at my dream medical school, I was totally lost when you broke up with me, then I was terrified of the new beginnings that I will make when I entered med school. Everything was so emotionally chaotic and challenging. I felt like I was really left out. My self-destructive thoughts kept bugging me at night, I did not know how to start all over again and I did not believe that I can do it myself.

To be honest, it terrified me that I might not get over you. You were my true and tough love. I don't have any idea how to start moving on with all of the leftover information about you in my head. All of it felt weird. It once felt like I still has a grip on you, on us, because of that. I admit how I was wrong of getting into my nerves, burst out, and end up getting mad at you. I was really hurt. All your promises, then I suddenly heard of this new person and stuff like that. It still hurts though, honestly speaking. It still brings me pins and needles whenever our friends mention you, or your name popping out of my notifications. I'M OKAY NOW, BUT I'M STILL FRAGILE ABOUT THE SITUATION - that is how I can exactly put everything into words as of now. As of now.

I decided to unfollow you in all the social media accounts so I can stop stalking and end up being obsessive of all the updates you are up to. I need to take a good leap to runaway from all the things and places that constantly remind me of you. I came to a point where I begged all your closest friends to ask you to settle and save what we have left. I hardly survive each day without keeping a hold of myself to resist all the drunk texts, entreaties of you coming back, and other BS that might put me into trap. I was paranoid back then and the anxiety hit me hard that I almost decided to consult a psychiatrist.

For almost 15 months that we have broken up, I finally decided to avow all the feelings that I have been bottling up. I admit it, it was hard to concede about how I was really doing and coping with the situation. I tried hard not to show how I am still affected whenever you came across the conversation because I thought that admitting how hurt I am was a big sign of weakness.

...until I learned that it was not. I learned that it is okay to let yourself feel, it is okay to still feel hurt after a failed relationship, it is okay to still have that burden while you work on getting rid of all of it, it is okay to still know all the roots of the heartaches as you continue to mend your broken heart. I have learned that it is never a crime to acknowledge all the hurtful feelings no matter how long it takes. I learned that we have to go through this painful process in order for us to get to the part where we actually heal, and the reality is, it may not happen right away.

Little by little, I am able to let go of the things that hurt. I am able to depart from the piece of me that is full of regrets. I am learning to be more mature on how to handle things on my own. I am still learning that this is the chance where I get to build myself, where I explore the parts of me that I did not know that exist.

"While it hurts to move on, it even hurts to hang on" - This line from thoughtcatalog really woke me up that I finally decided to forgive what was, then continue on with my life. We have no choice but to grow, right? I can say that I am enjoying the growth now, and thankful that everything happened because I really learned a lot from us.

I am not sad anymore. All I know is that I am numb and I knew that being numb is worse. There may be times that I go back to the things that once hurt but that is just because I want to feel at least something again. I know that everything has its own purpose and this breaking up thing that we had is maybe God's way of letting ourselves break our own limitations and thrive towards making ourselves better. I do not regret the past 2 years that I have spent with you. I am just thankful that we shared a lot of happy memories. So yeah, after over a year, it still hurts but I am not looking back anymore. I am going towards the path that I have been dreaming to take. Here's more to you and to me. I know you're doing fine now and I am happy for how we've been living our separate lives. Cheers!